By Rajendra Sharma
All the outward journeys, struggles, desires, motivations usually have a common objective and that is, “Happiness”. We normally search ways to avoid pain and go towards happiness. The inner search is the search for “Truth”.
This search for truth is quite abstract for many seekers. When confronted with the question – What exactly are you searching ? – the answers are usually vague. Beneath the search for truth or Enlightenment are we seeking some profound experience, something mystical. Are we expecting that the supreme source in whatever image we have imagined it, will present itself before us.
Are we seeking some powers or Siddhis? Are we searching for happiness or self fulfillment? Do we want to reach a state in which we will not be disturbed by the constant changes happening in the outside world? Do we want a state where the pain and sorrow will not touch us and we shall be in a state of permanent bliss?
Are we in search of freedom – freedom from the cycle of birth and death? Are we in search of Heaven and are performing good deeds to escape the burning fires of Hell?
It is possible that we may want everything mentioned above. Are we using various techniques of Meditation as a means to achieve our inner goals? The dimension of Spirituality is usually filled with the seeking.
The Inward seeking usually starts as a reaction. Some outward dissatisfaction, not finding the purpose of life, seeking outward but not arriving, sorrow, disillusioned by whatever is happing in the outside ugly, corrupt world, and much more.
In the Inward journey the seeker seeks answers to his questions. He follows various systems or school of thoughts for his search. This Second phase of his life is very important, the Inward journey. Slowly this phase of his life starts to create its own sorrow.
Here also he also seems like arriving, but never arrives. The Silence he seeks is temporary. The noise of his mind always overpowers him. He finds himself to be weak to follow the strict discipline prescribed. He is disintegrated. Many desires pushing and pulling him in various directions. The Outer World seems like an enemy putting obstacles in his inward journey. A separate world is created, the world of ashrams, retreats, hills, visits to holy places and Gurus, vows, disciplines and much more. The Inner world and the outer world creates its own conflicts and the seeker is again caught in it. The Inner World has its own sorrow.
His Inward goals are abstract. But somehow this Inward journey also gives him great satisfaction and fulfillment. He feels himself superior to all the other beings who are still running after outward goals. He feels that they are foolish trying to find happiness in the impermanent. He is wise, he is looking for something Eternal. He has read that the real wealth lies within and not without. The greed is activated to find the real wealth.
Somewhere a more Subtle Ego gets superimposed on his already powerful Ego. Now he not only a worldly man but also a religious or a spiritual man. He is kind, and ready to help others and so on. His work becomes the source of his pride. He gets respect from the Society, but it seems empty.
He may perform rituals, follow various beliefs, go through the routine of various meditations. But somehow the fulfillment escapes him. The mind has this power to come back again and again in different forms. He experiences Silence and Peace but it is only temporary. Despair and sorrow once again engulfs him. Previously there was only the outward sorrow, now the inward sorrow also gets added to it.
He keeps on blaming others for his sorrow, depression. The reason, the fault is always the other.
Many people end their life as a traveler on their outward journey, many die as seekers in their Inward journey. Few move further while alive.
When one has seen both, the Inward and the Outward and understood the limitations and problems of both the worlds, a time comes in his life when he is not moving in any direction. Both the journeys seems futile to him, Old Age is catching up and death seems near.
It is possible that in these moments of non-movement, when he is just existing without any hope of the future, the past has dropped. He is just sitting without doing anything. It is possible that a leap in understanding happens. He already had all the knowledge available for his Inward journey but it has not helped. Existing Knowledge can take us only to a particular level and then we move in circles. To come out of the circle there has to be a leap else we follow the old patterns of the circle.
The New Insight changes the whole ball game. He had always assumed that the Search will surely lead him somewhere, now he starts questioning the Seeker. Who is this Seeker, which is Searching. This Question changes the whole picture. For the first time the Seeker looks at himself.
The Search for truth now takes a new turn. Now the Search for truth is - trying to find out the truth about his own self . But why will one spend time trying to find out the truth about one own self when one already knows about it. Do we know ourselves or we assume it.
When one asks a question – What do I think about myself – the usual answer that comes back is that I am a person who is sensitive, clever , intelligent, well read, moral, artistic, ready to help others etc. One usually defines oneself by ones Occupation. But if I dig a little deeper I find that I am ambitious – sometimes brutal.
I am not fulfilled yet. I have many faces which keep on changing depending on external pressures. I am not integrated – I tell one thing and do exactly opposite of it. I am tired of all the disintegration, deterioration within and without. I am caught in my own commitments, activities, and yearn for fame and recognition. Me and my money, Me and my property, Me and my country and my comforting Gods. I always want to be the center of my own creation and want attention all the time.
This is the truth about myself which is living, changing, moving. I can see it directly without any middleman.
Human beings have tried various practices, methods, meditations to be free of this center called self which causes so much misery and confusion. But like a shadow it is never captured. It slips through the fingers. Sometimes it is strengthened or becomes weak according to the circumstances.
We neither know our greatness nor our aim. We ask for freedom but need to live in bondage. We need darkness to see some light. We need some grief to feel a little bliss. We need death to know a greater life. Our life is a Hide and seek. Man seeks himself and from himself he runs. He always builds but finds no constant ground.
He always journeys but nowhere he arrives. He can guide the world, himself he cannot guide. He would save his soul, his life he cannot save. The light his soul had brought, his mind has lost. All he learned is soon in doubt.
He fabricates signs of the Real in Ignorance. He is compelled to be what he is not. He is tied to matter with a thousand bonds. The dead past is his background and support.
The freedom from the False self is the true function of man. With the discovery of his Real self, the Search Ends.